“Born This Way”: Track-by-Track Live-Blog Review

This is an initial review. I’m going to write about the tracks as I’m listening to them, in order, including the singles we’ve already heard.

Here I go…

1. “Marry the Night”: After hearing the MQ Farmville release of this song, I was more than a bit underwhelmed. It sounds better in HQ, of course, but it still leaves me cold. The basic problem with this song is that it’s basically hookless. What, in this song, is supposed to draw me in? It feels like there’s potential, here: the melody to the verses is pretty good, and would have served as a better melody for the chorus, leaving the existing chorus to serve as a post-chorus, similar to the ‘Oh…’ in ‘Judas.’

Perhaps worst of all, though, the ending drags on for a minute without going anywhere at all. It’s the musical equivalent of blue balls: what on earth did I listen to this song for? I kept waiting for some kind of payoff, and I never got it. A horrid choice for the opening track.

Initial impression: C-

2. “Born This Way”: Why in hell wasn’t this the opening track? It’s The Statement of the album, and is — don’t take this as a compliment for this plagiarized, trite mess — quite frankly, a more interesting song than “Marry the Night.” It even seems like a breath of fresh air after that unfortunate track. But I’ve beaten this song to death dozens of times in dozens of ways. I have nothing more to say.

Impression: Still an F for plagiarism

3. “Government Hooker”: This is the track that was on everyone’s lips — a lot of Little Monsters had their hopes pinned on this track to be the second coming of “Bad Romance.” (Actually, most people thought that “Judas” was the second coming of “Bad Romance,” but we’ll set that fact to one side for now.) The big question mark was how greatly the track would differ from the the Mugler remix.

The answer ended up being: Not at all. After an overlong intro, the track kicks into earnest with some of the dirtier beats we’ve heard so far, but — well, they’re the same ones we’ve already heard. The verse remains completely uninteresting, though; this entire song looks like it’s going to live or die by its hook, just like at Mugler.

At the time of writing, I’m 2:40 into the song and I’m on the verge of shoving knives into my ears. The verses are dissonant, ugly, and jarring.

What a horrid letdown. I had high hopes for this song. It went nowhere. Who let her release this atrocious mess? If it weren’t for the quality of the hook — which is quite real — this song would be among the worst she’d ever released. Total disappointment.

Initial impression: C-

4. “Judas”: I love this song. A lot. I’m in love with “Judas.” It would have fit nicely onto “Fame Monster” — and I still like it. I must have been the only person on Earth to do so, however, given that it completely flopped on the radio.

Oh, well. Everyone flops. Anyway: the song — despite a few clunky lyrics and a misguided breakdown — is quite good, and the final minute is breathtaking: “I cling to!” — That’s a great pop moment. I’ll still be listening to this song sometimes a year from now. It’s the highlight of the album, so far.

Impression: A-

5. “Americano”: I’m at 0:30 as I write this — it sounds messy so far. I never had high hopes for this song, so even a pleasant listen will be something of a nice surprise.

Okay, I’m now at 1:00. It’s not happening. I’m going to struggle to get through this track.

I’m at 2:10. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I’m just gonna sit back and say nothing in the hopes of not losing my damn mind.

3:40 — Yes! Here’s a nice outro. That was a nice ending. And it’s ending! I’m so happy!

Fuck, that was painful.

Initial impression: D

6. “Hair”: My thoughts about this haven’t changed much since yesterday. But listening to the joyful chorus of this song is euphoric after the four minutes of trash that I just sat through.

I actually love the melody to the chorus in this track. The last ninety seconds are breathtaking. The way that much of the instrumental drops out of the second-to-last chorus is really inspired.

The lyrics remain banal, at best, but RedOne’s sparkling production and the brilliant melody to the chorus rescue the song from what could have been, in the hands of Fernando Garibay and DJ White Shadow — who have done nothing but disappoint, so far, up to Track 6 — something a lot worse. Why was RedOne granted only three tracks on this album? He’s proving more and more to be Gaga’s true ‘secret ingredient.’

Impression: B+ overall, A for the chorus

7. “Scheisse”: The last of the RedOne tracks. I’d actually never bothered to listen to the preview at the Mugler show, so this track came to me fresh. Because it’s RedOne, I walked into it with high hopes.

Gaga’s penchant for inserting random foreign phrases into her words has always been irritating. I suppose this track was meant to “get it out of her system.” I’m at 1:00 as I write this and so far I don’t like this at all, but we all know that Gaga songs are structured around the chorus,with the verses just needing to be tolerable enough to get you there (if they’re good, all the better, but they’re never the point).

I’m at 2:00 as I write this: What is this, some feminist anthem? At any rate, the chorus is good but not as memorable as RedOne’s other contributions. Two out of three ain’t bad, though — and it’s actually a better hit-to-miss ratio than his “Fame Monster” contributions. What messes up this song has nothing to do with RedOne, though: it’s, as usual, Gaga’s obnoxious lyrics. The verses are insufferable.

Initial impression: B-

8. “Bloody Mary”: Alright, back to the Fernando Garibay tracks. The track somewhat resembles “Alejandro” when it starts out. The verses go nowhere, for me, and the lyrics are — are you noticing a pattern, here? — a bit overwrought.

The chorus is very Madonna. I can see myself enjoying this more after a couple of listens, but this track, on the whole, screams ‘filler.’ I have little to say about it. It’s simply not very interesting. It’s pleasant, but it’s forgettable.

Initial impression: B-

9. “Bad Kids”: I anticipated hating this track. I figured that it would be some kind of anthem for Little Monsters about how freakish, outcast, and eccentric they supposedly are.

I’m at 1:30 as I write this: I was right! And, to top it off, it assures the Little Monster listening that they’re still special to Mommy Monster. Gag me.

Initial impression: D+

10. “Highway Unicorn (Road to Love)”: Um, is it just me, or is the chorus to this song almost note-for-note the same as “Poker Face”? Down to the syncopation, it’s the same damn song! What the fuck is this? If I wanted to hear a “Poker Face” remix, I’d go buy the fucking “Poker Face” Remix EP on iTunes.

Initial impression: F for plagiarism. (And this was done with Fernando Garibay, while “Poker Face” was with RedOne, so, yes, I’m calling plagiarism.)

11. “Heavy Metal Lover”: This, with “Electric Chapel,” was one of my two most-anticipated tracks. At this point I’m extremely disappointed in the album, so I’m hoping that the next two tracks can redeem it in some fashion for me.

I’m at 0:47. This production is nice. She’s, for the first time on the album, allowed her producers to use her voice as an instrument to blend into the overall final product. In that sense, this track is really a production showcase for Fernando Garibay, who comes off fairly well, here.

Unfortunately, the track is nearly hookless. A song with a title like this should capture the spirit of heavy metal: balls-out, dramatic, and theatrical, with some slashing guitars or perhaps some blast-beat drums to mix up an album that promised to be innovative but is failing to deliver.

Instead, it sounds — well, nothing like that. This boring track will probably rank as the album’s biggest letdown for me. This sounded nothing like I was hoping. It’s boring.

Initial impression: C-

12. “Electric Chapel”: For the love of God, I hope that this track can redeem this album. I loved the preview and the title is awesome. Here we go…

0:40 — Ooh, I love this beat. It sounds sparkling in HQ.

I’m at 1:00 as I type this. The production to the chorus is lovely. The melody is subtle and is the kind of thing — oh, that piano! — Ooh, this is good. I like this track. — Ooh, there’s some guitars! (Where were they in “Heavy Metal Lover”?) Look how giddy I am to have come across a good track!

This sounds like a song that The Saturdays would kill for. And I love The Saturdays. This is a hot track.

3:00 — A friend just pointed out to me that the melody to the verses was basically identical to the melody to the verses of Kylie Minogue’s “Cupid Boy” — which, alas, is true. And the song only came But it doesn’t diminish what is still a good song.

Initial impression: A-

13. “You and I”: Um, for some reason, my download didn’t have this. Sorry. I’ll have thoughts later.

14. “The Edge of Glory”: This was the perfect closing track to this album. Nothing else could have done the trick. My impression of the song remains the same: it’s got a nice, anthemic chorus, passable lyrics, a nice theme — and then the cheesy sax break nearly kills the momentum (it doesn’t help that you can ‘see the seams’ of where the saxophone was inserted). But it’s still a good enough song that it’s worth listening to more than a few times — and more than good enough to deserve a slot as the final track.

Impression: B+

Overall: Holy shit, what a disappointment. The only track that I liked that I hadn’t already heard was “Electric Chapel,” which was one of my most-anticipated tracks. That song met my expectations. The rest were either filler (‘Bloody Mary,’ ‘Heavy Metal Lover’), corny (‘Bad Kids’), plagiarized (‘Highway Unicorn’) or downright messy (the ghastly ‘Americano’).

The presence of four or five strong tracks makes this album impossible to give a terrible grade to, and even when certain songs are weak as a whole, the production is often quite good.

Best track: “Judas”

Worst track: “Americano”

Best chorus: “Hair”

Worst chorus: “Heavy Metal Lover”

Best production: “Hair,” “Electric Chapel”

Worst production: “Government Hooker”

Biggest surprise: “Hair” (most had high hopes for this; I did not)

Biggest letdown: “Government Hooker”

Best lyrics: “Electric Chapel”

Worst lyrics: “Bad Kids,” “Government Hooker” (tie)

Not as good as: Femme Fatale

Better than: Loud

As good as: Teenage Dream

Music: B

Lyrics: C-

Production: B+

Overall: B-

Was it the album of the decade?: No.

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92 Comments

  1. Little Monster Regina
    Posted May 17, 2011 at 9:21 pm | Permalink | Reply

    I would seriously masturbate to Scheiße. I’m not even kidding.
    Scheiße > Your existence

    • vhon
      Posted May 17, 2011 at 9:52 pm | Permalink | Reply

      as much as i dislike how gaga projects herself, i love this track!!!

    • anonymice :3
      Posted May 18, 2011 at 10:14 pm | Permalink | Reply

      Yeah stick that finger/dildo/vibrator into that tight little pussy of yours

      LOL

      Because a real guy wouldn’t want to touch your ugly freakish self :3

      • Posted May 19, 2011 at 12:00 am | Permalink | Reply

        You sir need a medal… Or a cookie :3

      • Little Monster Regina
        Posted May 23, 2011 at 8:19 am | Permalink | Reply

        Such het-up. Did you divorce the Night?

        • Lady Caca
          Posted June 29, 2011 at 11:13 am | Permalink | Reply

          You are a pathetic whore. Go prostitute yourself to your mother – I’m sure if she was your real mother, she would have sold you to white slavery. I hope the devil masturbates you with his horns, as you burn slowly in hell.

  2. Little Monster Regina
    Posted May 17, 2011 at 9:34 pm | Permalink | Reply

    10 things to do before I die:
    1. Masturbate to Scheiße in a forest clearing at Midnight
    2. Meet Gaga
    3. Date and Shag Obama(To fulfill my dreams of becoming an RL Government Hooker like Gaga)
    4. Meet Takako Iwasa
    5. Meet Alex
    6. Punch Jules in the face
    7. Lose my virginity to Government Hooker
    8. Visit India
    9. Make Monster Monster proud
    10. Win a Talent contest

    • MGD
      Posted May 18, 2011 at 12:59 am | Permalink | Reply

      I can see you doing all of these, but a talent contest,really? There’s no hope for that in your case.

      • Little Monster Regina
        Posted May 18, 2011 at 2:11 pm | Permalink | Reply

        Negative bitch

        • anonymicexoxo
          Posted May 18, 2011 at 10:20 pm | Permalink | Reply

          lol no

          try harder!

  3. Ducky
    Posted May 17, 2011 at 9:40 pm | Permalink | Reply

    The production on this album is OUTSTANDING. This album could have very easily been the best album of the decade if it weren’t for Gaga’s writing. It’s very tedious and long winded. And I feel like the producers know this because at times it seems like they are trying to drown her out and/or distract with their production. Also, her songwriting is not very original or inspiring. Every song reminds me of another song. The whole album is like a game of “What song does this remind me of?”. Overall, I am pretty impressed with the album. Bloody Mary, Scheisse, and Americano are my favorites.

    • Little Monster Regina
      Posted May 17, 2011 at 9:46 pm | Permalink | Reply

      It’s actually spelt Scheiße
      It’s German, and it means Shit

      • Ducky
        Posted May 17, 2011 at 9:50 pm | Permalink | Reply

        I am aware of this. But the spelling is interchangeable and I don’t know how to do the B thingy.

        • Posted May 17, 2011 at 11:59 pm | Permalink | Reply

          Fluent in German, it is perfectly acceptable to spell it with two s’es, s’s, esses? What’s the plural of s? If you pronounce s’es in German it is esses. Which means ‘eats’. Just so you know.

      • anonymicexoxo
        Posted May 18, 2011 at 10:20 pm | Permalink | Reply

        Aren’t you smart?

      • Blogging Info Desk
        Posted May 29, 2011 at 9:19 pm | Permalink | Reply

        “ß” is a Scharfes S, it is a letter in the German alphabet. “Scheiße” is how it’s supposed to be spelt. The “ß” is used after long vowels, and “ss” is after short. “ß” can always be written as “ss”, but “ss” can’t always be written as “ß”.

    • vhon
      Posted May 17, 2011 at 9:54 pm | Permalink | Reply

      i love this album! but just like femme fatale, teenage dream, loud, animal, and pink friday this album is not the album of the decade/generation/century… i beleive that this album is for her young fans and i appreciate that 🙂

      • vhon
        Posted May 17, 2011 at 9:56 pm | Permalink | Reply

        the review is a nit harsh though 🙂 anyway, everyone is entitled to their own opinion and musical tastes. for this album, i give it an A because it gives me the energy i needed for the days work 🙂 great job gaga and her producers 🙂

    • Posted May 17, 2011 at 10:13 pm | Permalink | Reply

      You LIKED Americano?

      • Posted May 17, 2011 at 10:13 pm | Permalink | Reply

        I refuse to believe that anyone actually likes Americano.

        • vhon
          Posted May 17, 2011 at 10:36 pm | Permalink | Reply

          not very much but it sounds very cinco de mayo-ish and should be included on the soundtrack for machete hahahaha!!! i actually find this album refreshing enough to listen in the office during the boring hours

  4. anon
    Posted May 17, 2011 at 10:07 pm | Permalink | Reply

    Britney “Gimme More” @ 3.32.. government hooker?

  5. Posted May 17, 2011 at 10:18 pm | Permalink | Reply

    Government Hooker’s line “As long as I’m your hooker” = GROOVE IS IN THE HEART by Deeee-Lite! That’s it!

    • Posted May 18, 2011 at 12:00 am | Permalink | Reply

      She did NOT rip off Deee-lite!?! That’s it. It’s over for her.

    • L
      Posted March 14, 2015 at 8:29 pm | Permalink | Reply

      Alex Knepper – You are correct! It took me forever to figure out who Gaga copied but I finally figured it out and I agree with you 100%.. The rhythm and the structure in the way the lyrics are sun in Government Hooker definitely came from Dee-Lite’s song.

  6. Justin
    Posted May 17, 2011 at 11:06 pm | Permalink | Reply

    LOL Teenage Dream was much better than Femme Fatale.
    Almost all the songs from Femme Fatale are similar.
    (btw, you can hear the autotune on Britney’s voice)
    And you still say Born This Way is not better than Femme Fatale?
    How can you give Born This Way a C at the lyrics?
    Some of the songs have really deep meanings.
    What would you give an A? Songs talking about partying and drama?

    I’m not a Britney Fan nor Lady Gaga fan, Katy Perry fan either.
    I’m just a big fan of techno, pop, dance music.
    and equal fan for pop Artists

    • GirlPowerForever
      Posted May 18, 2011 at 8:20 pm | Permalink | Reply

      That’s just irrational. Just because a song is deep it does not mean it has a good lyric. Born This Way is supposedly really deep and the Love Me For Me anthem of this decade, but it’s lyrics seemed like shit when it was released and I still question her lyrical choices to this day. She missed the obvious way to unite a world and become an anthem.
      That’s like saying “I like this guitar riff, I bet the lyrics are awesome” and that is not always true! Some riffs go behind/next too the most horrible lyrics.

      • chaosakita
        Posted May 18, 2011 at 10:26 pm | Permalink | Reply

        Lady Gaga is so racist in Born this Way

        She’s actually pretty racist in general

        • LadyBritBrit
          Posted May 22, 2011 at 9:51 pm | Permalink | Reply

          Born This Way is embarrassing for me personally as a songwriter because it’s no better then a listing song.
          THERE IS OTHER WAYS TO BRING UNITY AND BE YOURSELF VIBES TO THE WORLD, via focusing on our similarities instead of difference.
          She just completely missed her own point in the idea that we are all “Born This Way” and should respect and love each other with and without our flaws et cetera, cet cetera, et cetera…
          I just don’t get that, how’s that an anthem when I have read the lyrics for the rest of the album and some of the songs are more anthemic and relatable.

  7. Nicole
    Posted May 17, 2011 at 11:52 pm | Permalink | Reply

    “Heavy Metal Lover,” the actual hook, is basically the same as “extra terrestrial.” The notes are identical, the syncopation is different.

    • anonymicexoxo
      Posted May 18, 2011 at 10:22 pm | Permalink | Reply

      I ❤ it when people use music terminology

  8. vhon
    Posted May 18, 2011 at 12:01 am | Permalink | Reply

    you and i reminds me of again again and wonderful:)

  9. Posted May 18, 2011 at 12:02 am | Permalink | Reply

    Thank you so much Alex for this review. Knowing that you actually like Hades Caca’s music (and I use that term loosely) I will never listen to this album. Grassy Ass Poor Toto.

  10. DiabolicallyRandom
    Posted May 18, 2011 at 1:15 am | Permalink | Reply

    Its a disappointment. I agree every song reminds me of something else. Sometimes strongly. The marry the night song is a rip off of marry me which was featured on fucking glee.

  11. SOhardLy
    Posted May 18, 2011 at 3:32 am | Permalink | Reply

    You Suck! LOL !
    Femme fatale? is it any joke?
    Femme fatale is the worst album this year.
    Thank.

    • GirlPowerForever
      Posted May 18, 2011 at 8:22 pm | Permalink | Reply

      Oppinion invalid, 13 years of good music over 2 years of good music FOREVER.
      So pressed!

    • kimmie
      Posted May 19, 2011 at 10:12 pm | Permalink | Reply

      xo bias to say femme fatale is the worst album of the year! this makes me mad because Femme Fatale promised and delivered a cohesive dance album… and it did not promise to be something that it is not… born this way on the other hand claims to be the album of the decade/ gegeration and it was lady gaga who claimed she is on eof the best songwroiters today. meh! i always love the beats on her album but most lyrics are contradictory and condescending, assuming and arrogant without really digging into the issues involve…

  12. Ob/Gyn Kenobi
    Posted May 18, 2011 at 4:25 pm | Permalink | Reply

    If you haven’t found one yourself yet, here’s a download that has You and I: http://www.4shared.com/folder/voHbvglK/BTW.html

  13. Celebcrashfic
    Posted May 18, 2011 at 5:56 pm | Permalink | Reply

    TWO

    The Church was almost full when Nicki arrived. She stood at the back for a few moments, surveying the faces and clothes and voices in front of her; assesing the quality of the flower arrangements; checking the pews for anyone who might look up and recognize her.
    But the people in front of her were an anonymous bunch. Men in dull suits; Ladies in uninspired hats. A flicker of doubt crossed Nicki’s mind. Could her instincts have gotten this one wrong? Was there really any value lurking in this characterless crowd?
    “Would you like an Order of Serive?” Nicki looked up to see a long-legged woman striding across the Marble floor towards her. “It’s about to start,” she added with a frown.
    “Of course,” murmured Nicki. She held out a long, scented hand. “Nicki Minaj. I’m so glad to meet you – sorry, I’ve forgotten your name…”
    “Christina.”
    “Christina. Of course, I remember now.” Nicki paused, and glanced up at Christina’s face. It was still wearing an arrogant frown. “You’re the clever one.”
    “I suppose you could say that,” said Christina, shrugging.
    Clever or Pretty, thought Nicki. All girls want to be one or the other – or both. She looked at Christina again. Her features were overblown and rubbery, her lips and cheeks puckered, so that even in response she seemed to be pulling a face. We’d better just leave it at clever, Nicki thought.
    “Well, I’d better go and sit down,” she said. “I expect I’ll see you later.”
    “There’s plenty of room at the back,” Christina called after her. But Nicki appeared not to hear. Studying her order of service with an absorbed, solemn expression, she made her way quickly to the front of the Church.
    “I’m sorry,” she said, pausing by the third row from the front. “Is there any room? It’s a bit crowded at the back.”
    She stood impassively while the ten people filling the row huffed and shuffled themselves along; then, with one elegant movement, took her place. She bowed her head for a moment, then looked up with a stern, brave expression.
    “Poor Kevin,” she said. “Poor sweet Kevin.”

    “Who was that?” whispered Rihanna as Christina returned to the seat beside her.
    “I don’t know,” said Christina. “One of Kevin’s friends, I suppose. She seemed to know all about me.”
    “I don’t think I remember her,” said Rihanna. “What’s her name?”
    “Nicki. Nicki something.”
    “Nicki? I’ve never heard of her.”
    “Maybe her and Kevin were at school together or something.”
    “Oh yes,” said Rihanna. “That could be it. Like that other one. Sophie. Do you remember? The one who came to visit out of the blue?”
    “No,” said Christina.
    “Yes you do. She gave Britney that hideous glass bowl.” Rihanna squinted at Nicki again. “Except this one looks too young. I like her hat. I wish I could wear little hats like that. But my head’s too big. Or my hair isn’t right. Or something.”
    She tailed off. Christina was staring down at a piece of paper and muttering. Rihanna looked round the Church again. So many people, all here for one person. It almost made her want to cry.
    “Does my hat look all right?” she said suddenly.
    “It looks great,” Christina said, without looking up.
    “It cost a bomb. I couldn’t believe how much it cost. But then, when I put it on this morning, I thought…”
    “Rihanna!” hissed Christina. “Can you shut up? I’ve got my reading to think about!”
    “Oh yes. Yes, of course you have.”
    Rihanna looked down, chastened. She felt a little pinprick of hurt. No-one had asked her to do a reading. Christina was doing one, and so was Jamie Lynn Spears, but all she had to do was sit still in her hat. And she couldn’t even do that very well.
    “When I die,” she said suddenly, “I want everyone to do a reading at my memorial service. You, and Britney, and Gaga, and my children…”
    “If you have any,” Christina said, snorting.
    “If I have any,” echoed Rihanna morosely. She looked around at the sea of hats. “I might die before I have any children, mightn’t I? I mean, we don’t know when we’re going to die, do we? I could die tomorrow.” She broke off, overcome by the thought of herself in a coffin, looking pale and waxy and romantic, surrounded by weeping mourners. Her eyes began to prickle. “I could die tomorrow. And then it would be…”
    “Shut up,” said Christina, putting away her piece of paper. She stretched her hand down out of sight and casually pinched Rihanna’s fleshy calf. “You’re talking rubbish,” she murmured. “What are you talking?”
    Rihanna was silent. Christina’s fingers gradually tightened on her skin, until suddenly they nipped so viciously that she gave a sharp intake of breath.
    “I’m talking rubbish,” she said, in a quick, low voice.
    “Good girl,” said Christina. She released her fingers. “Now, sit up straight and get a grip.”
    “I’m sorry,” said Rihanna breathlessly. “It’s just a bit…overwhelming. There are so many people here. I didn’t know Kevin had so many friends.”
    “Most of them are Britney’s friends,” Christina said. “Britney used to be a very popular lady,” she added. “Everyone loved her.”
    And no one loves me, Rihanna felt like saying. But instead, she prodded helplessly at her hat and tugged a few locks of wispy hair out from under the severe chocolate-brown brim, so that by the time she stood up for the first hymn she looked even worse than before.

    • chaosakita
      Posted May 18, 2011 at 10:11 pm | Permalink | Reply

      What inspired writing. I’ll give you props if this isn’t copypasta lol.

    • anonymicexoxo
      Posted May 18, 2011 at 10:23 pm | Permalink | Reply

      Wow are you a two year old?

      xoxo

    • anonymicexoxo
      Posted May 18, 2011 at 10:24 pm | Permalink | Reply

      Wow are you a three year old? because you write like one

      • chaosakita
        Posted May 18, 2011 at 10:25 pm | Permalink | Reply

        way to be consistent :/

  14. Celebcrashfic
    Posted May 19, 2011 at 9:18 am | Permalink | Reply

    THREE

    “The day thou gavest Lord, is ended,” sang Nicki. She forced herself to look down at the hymn book and pretend that she was reading the words. As though she didn’t know them off by heart. Why did people always choose the same dreary hymns for funerals? she thought. Didn’t they appreciate how boring it made things for the regular funeral gatecrasher?
    The first funeral that Nicki had gatecrashed had been an accident. Wandering down a little English back street one dull morning, wondering if she might be able to get herself a part timer in an expensive Art gallery, she had seen an assembly of smart people milling on the pavement outside a small Church. With an aimless curiousity, she had slowed down as she reached them; slowed down, and then stopped. She realized, as she heard talk of trusts, Scottish Islands and Diamonds, that these people had Money.
    Serious Money.
    Then, suddenly, the spattering rain had turned into a drenching pour, and the people on the pavement had unfurled their umbrellas in unision. And it had seemed entirely natural for Nicki to choose a benevolent looking young man, and to meet his eye tentatively, and to creep with a grateful smile, under the shelter of his swiss dome of black silk. And by the time the Church doors opened, they’d assumed the companionship of old friends. He’d ushered her into the Church, and handed her an Order Of Service, and they’d taken seats together near the back.
    “I didn’t know Robby awfully well,” the man had confided as they sat down. “But he was a dear friend of my wife’s.”
    “He was a friend of my father’s,” Nicki had replied, glancing down at the Order of Service, and quickly comitting the name “Robert Zemeckis” to memory. “I didn’t know him at all. But it’s nice to show respect.”
    “I agree,” the Man had said, beaming at her and extending his hand. “Now, let me introduce myself. My name’s Maurice Snowfield.”
    Maurice Snowfield had lasted three months. He hadn’t been quite as rich as Nicki had hoped, and his gentle, absent-minded manner had almost driven her crazy. But by the time she left his house, she had enough money to pay two of her delivery fees in advance, and a brand new wardrobe of pink suits.
    “…Till all thy creatures own thy sway.” There was a rustling sound in the Church as everyone sat down, closed their hymn books and consulted the order of service. Nicki took the opportunity to consult the note which Irona had given her, clipped to a newspaper snippet. The announcement was of the memorial service of Kevin Earl Federline at St Anselm’s Church on 20th April. “A good bet,” Irona had scribbled. “Britney Spears. Very rich, extremely famous and very quiet”.
    Nicki peered at the front pew. She could see the woman with the rubbery face who had given the first reading, and next to her, an exotic Carribean-looking woman in a terrible brown hat. Then there was a teenage boy, and a slightly older woman with scruffy highlighted hair…Nicki’s eyes passed quickly along and then stopped. Sitting at the other end of the pew was an unobtrusive blonde woman. She was slouched forward, her head resting on the panel in front of her.
    Nicki stared at her for a few seconds. No, she wasn’t pretending – she was in grief.
    Which made things so much easier. The truly grief-stricken were the easiest targets. The people who couldn’t imagine ever finding happiness again; who vowed to remain faithful to their passed one’s memory. In Nicki’s experience, all that meant was that when they did find comfort and happiness in her they were convinced that it must be real friendship.

    They’d asked Britney if she wanted to give the eulogy.
    “You must be used to giving speeches,” the vicar had said, “This would be much the same – just a description of Mr Federline’s character, maybe an anecdote or two, some mention of the activities he was involved in, anything that reminds the congregation of the real Kevin.” And then he’d tailed away at Britney’s sudden bleak expression. “You don’t have to – perhaps you’d find it too upsetting?”
    And Britney had nodded.
    “I think I would,” she’d muttered.
    “Quite understandable,” the vicar had said briskly. “You’re not alone.”
    But she was alone, Britney had thought. She was alone in her misery; isolated in the knowledge that her ex-husband had died and no-one but her would ever realize just now little she’d known him. The loneliness which she’d felt throughout thr marriage now seemed unbearably intensified. The real Kevin! she felt like shouting. What did I ever know of the real Kevin?
    And so the job of giving the eulogy had fallen to their old friend, Paris Hilton. Britney sat up straight as Paris approached the lectern and looked up over her dark red sunglasses at the congregation.
    “Kevin Earl Federline was a brave, charming and generous man,” she began. “His sense of duty was matched only by his sense of compassion and his devotion to helping others.”
    Paris paused, and glanced at Britney. And as she saw Paris’s expression, Britney felt a jolt of understanding pass through her. Paris hadn’t really known Kevin either. These words were hollow, conventional; designed to do the job rather than speak the Truth.
    Britney began to feel a ridiculous sense of alarm. Once this eulogy had been heard, once this service was over and the congregation had left the Church, that would be it. That would be the official version of Kevin Federline’s character. Story finished; file closed; nothing more to learn. Could she bear it?

    To be continued…

    • anonymicexoxo
      Posted May 19, 2011 at 9:51 pm | Permalink | Reply

      why can’t you write above a three-year-old writing level? why?

  15. Celebcrashfic
    Posted May 19, 2011 at 9:21 am | Permalink | Reply

    Chapter One here:
    https://thetruthaboutgaga.wordpress.com/2011/05/16/lady-gagas-hair-be-yourself-wait-no-try-to-impress-your-friends/

    • chaosakita
      Posted May 19, 2011 at 9:53 pm | Permalink | Reply

      Is that the sound of no one caring?

      Yup, it is.

  16. Blogging Info Desk
    Posted May 19, 2011 at 6:35 pm | Permalink | Reply

    Name: Celebcrashfic
    Age: 27
    Gender: Male
    Bio: A crackhead from Coventry. He has no life so he spends his days smoking pot and writing dumb copyrighted stories about A-list celebrities. Scientists have estimated that at the age of 89, he will die of injecting himself with Heroin, just like Heath fucking Ledger.

  17. Blogging Info Desk
    Posted May 19, 2011 at 6:56 pm | Permalink | Reply

    Name: anonymicexoxo
    Age: Unknown
    Gender: Tranny
    Bio: anonymicexoxo is a pedophile, Anime fan and cocksucker. As she/he/it is the first pedophile to comment on Alex’s blog EVER, jailbait Gaga stan Regina was amazed by the sight of anonymicexoxo and started making monkey noises and throwing bananas at she/he/it.anonymicexoxo compounded the ridicule attracted by her/his/its sick-fuck Pedo syndrome by making a crude drunken pass at Adrian on set of the blog while cameras were still rolling. Once sacked, she/he/it took the opportunity to call blog boss Alex Knepper “a geeky, four-eyed, American, Gay Homosexual Nancy boy Homo Queer” since “There’s nothing more you can do to me now”. Tragically she/he/it was wrong about this and Alex condemned her/him/it to comment on the essay posts for all eternity. But then she/he/it gave Alex a blowjob and they allowed her/him/it to guest star in “Born This Way”: Track-by-Track Live-Blog Review, where she/he/it started pissing off Regina once again, and she/he/it now hunts down and castrates Gaga stans.

    • afewfwefwf
      Posted May 19, 2011 at 9:39 pm | Permalink | Reply

      You forgot that I was a fucking furry too 😦

      • anonymicexoxo
        Posted May 19, 2011 at 9:48 pm | Permalink | Reply

        Who is this poser? lol

  18. Blogging Info Desk
    Posted May 19, 2011 at 7:14 pm | Permalink | Reply

    Name: chaosakita
    Age: Dunno
    Gender: Probably Male, BNGAFA
    Bio: chaosakita is Adrian’s inexcusably pussy boyfriend. He is horribly deformed in the face, and as such had very little choice of partners. However he somehow managed to score with hot-cock sissy Adrian, which scientists claim is nothing short of an Act of God. He got pwned after 4 comments by Regina, and was subsequently placed at the bottom of the blog’s pecking order. No one on the blog gave a shit. Many agree that he and Alex are 100% Gay for eachother. Today, chaosakita spends most of his time fucking Adrian senseless against the walls of the blog set, while making Alex watch.

    • anonymicexoxo
      Posted May 19, 2011 at 9:40 pm | Permalink | Reply

      Hahaha funny

    • chaosakita
      Posted May 19, 2011 at 10:04 pm | Permalink | Reply

      Try harder

  19. anonymicexoxo
    Posted May 19, 2011 at 9:52 pm | Permalink | Reply

    I love how Blogging Info Desk is 99% probably a fat closet faggot whose posting faggot comments on the internet is the only thing preventing him from killing his whale of a self :3

  20. LadyBritBrit
    Posted May 21, 2011 at 8:09 am | Permalink | Reply

    Eletric Chapel and You And I are both fierce tracks, trufax!

  21. Ooh La Laaaa
    Posted May 21, 2011 at 4:07 pm | Permalink | Reply

    Some of these comments are fucking hilarious.

    Anyway I can’t wait till this album goes on youtube so I can listen and laugh at its crapness.

    Her songwritings so shit. She clearly thinks random childish nonsnse = original.

    She doesn’t get that genuinely talented songwriters just express their feelings.

    • chaosakita
      Posted May 21, 2011 at 4:25 pm | Permalink | Reply

      I think that’s one of the biggest problems I have with her. She can write ok lyrics, but she chooses to go for the vapid stuff instead. So much for being “true art.”

  22. Blogging Info Desk
    Posted May 21, 2011 at 7:32 pm | Permalink | Reply


    Another uncovered FBI photo of our beloved blog boss. He is a fat cunt who sits on his laptop all day complaining about everything and sniffing up people’s asses to get a hold of their buisness. Also, he is a Rape supporter. I’m pretty sure he actually admitted on CBS News that he thought Rape was okay…?

  23. Blogging Info Desk
    Posted May 21, 2011 at 7:40 pm | Permalink | Reply


    Jesus fucking Christ, look at that conk she has.
    Gaga, you are in serious need of surgery.

  24. Blogging Info Desk
    Posted May 21, 2011 at 7:43 pm | Permalink | Reply


    Our favourite slut & Dead-bird Troll, Little Monster Regina. Too ugly to show her face, perhaps?

    • Little Monster Regina
      Posted May 23, 2011 at 8:16 am | Permalink | Reply

      I’m the new poster-girl

  25. Blogging Info Desk
    Posted May 21, 2011 at 7:47 pm | Permalink | Reply

    The “I really wish they could fucking die” list:

    Alex Knepper

    chaosakita

    Little Monster Regina

    Celebcrashfic

    Kimmie

    • chaosakita
      Posted May 22, 2011 at 1:35 pm | Permalink | Reply

      Haha funny

    • chaosakita
      Posted May 22, 2011 at 1:35 pm | Permalink | Reply

      I’m glad my words on teh internet have made such an effect on you :3

    • Posted May 23, 2011 at 4:48 am | Permalink | Reply

      I knew you loved me! ❤

  26. Blogging Info Desk
    Posted May 21, 2011 at 7:48 pm | Permalink | Reply

    ~ Capitals ~ LADYBRITBRIT IS A FAT BITCH ~Capitals~

    All she does is eat greasy pork chops all day while staring at her computer screen waiting for desperate Lezbos to give their number to her. The whore should go to the gym.

    • LadyBritBrit
      Posted May 22, 2011 at 9:56 pm | Permalink | Reply

      Haha, I’m pleased you still make up shit about me to make you feel good about your own life.
      *Not wasting time telling you how awesome my life is in comparison to yours*
      You give me so much pleasure hating on me!
      Should probably leave the house once in a while hey, while your young?

  27. Blogging Info Desk
    Posted May 21, 2011 at 7:52 pm | Permalink | Reply

    Lol @ Alex saying he’s not obsessed with Justin Bieber.
    It’s so ovious you’re in love with him, the way you always photoshop him into yout photos and make those creepy cardboard signs.

    • Tiana(Minion Of Gaga)
      Posted May 21, 2011 at 7:53 pm | Permalink | Reply

      Lola, is that you? O_o Or Regina?

      • Blogging Info Desk
        Posted May 21, 2011 at 7:59 pm | Permalink | Reply

        Me = Lola? Keep guessing girlie, Lola is a creepy northerner with an ED. Her parents don’t love her and that’s why she’s so fucking Emo, just like Adrian. They’d match together, actually. Maybe we can shack them up with eachother?
        Besides, she’s not cool enough to do this shit. It takes brains, not Anorexia.

        Me = Regina? Those two words don’t go together. Regina literally has her head stuck up Alex’s ass, and she don’t even know his middle name. He could cut someone’s throat and she’d be like “Oh, don’t bleed to death, you mean cunt, now you’ll get Alex in trouble with the coppers.” That Bitch is a fucktard, and I ain’t.

        • chaosakita
          Posted May 22, 2011 at 1:34 pm | Permalink | Reply

          Eh try again

  28. Blogging Info Desk
    Posted May 21, 2011 at 8:05 pm | Permalink | Reply

    LadyBritBrit – The only noise this girl can make is plop because of her excessive weight. Go lose some weight before you die, girl.

    • LadyBritBrit
      Posted May 22, 2011 at 9:57 pm | Permalink | Reply

      So obsessed, leave the house once in a while instead of hating people, off the internet, you have never met, on the other side of the world, who are better then you in every way, who actually have lives and lovers.
      Calling me fat is so 8th grade!

  29. Monster Engulf
    Posted May 22, 2011 at 10:21 pm | Permalink | Reply

    BREAKING NEWS: MISS BRITNEY JEAN SPEARS HAS EXACTLY 24 HOURS TO PACK UP HER CHEETOS AND LEAVE!

    In less than 24 hours, Born This Way will DROWN Femme Fatale!

    Fact 1. Britney Spears’ Femme Fatale has sold 600k copies in the US to date.
    Fact 2. Predictions for the first week sales of Lady Gaga’s Born This Way is 500k.
    Fact 3. Knowing how loyal Gaga’s fans are to her, they will probably be buying more than 2 copies of Born This Way, thus outselling Femme Fatale’s sales in a week.
    Encore, Mother Monster! Encore!
    Boo, Britney! Boo!

  30. Celebcrashfic
    Posted May 22, 2011 at 10:55 pm | Permalink | Reply

    FOUR

    “Kevin’s charity work was unparalleled, particularly his work for St.Bride’s Hospice and the Rainbow fund. I’m sure many of us remember the first Greyworth Golf club Christmas event, something which has become a regular fixture in all our diaries.”
    Nicki felt a yawn creeping through her body. Was this blonde Bimbo never going to stop?
    “And of course, mention of Greyworth Golf Club brings us to another important aspect of Kevin Federline’s life. What some might describe as a hobby…a game. Of course, the rest of us know it’s a far more serious matter than that.”
    Nicki looked up, confused. What was she talking about?
    “When he married Britney, Kevin had the choice of becoming Golf Widow or Golf Partner. Golf partner he became. And despite the ill health which dogged him, he developed an enviably steady game, as all of us who witnessed his fine winning performance in the genetlemen’s foursome can verify.”
    Golf widow or Golf partner, Nicki thought idly. Widow or Partner. Well, that’s easy – Widow wins, every time.

    Straight after the service, Britney made her way to the west door, as the Vicar had suggested, in order to greet friends and family. “People appreciate an oppurtunity to show their condolonces personally,” the vicar had said. Now Britney wondered if this was really true. Most of the congregation scuttled past her, throwing hurried, indistinct phrases of sympathy at her like superstitious charms. A few stopped, met her gaze directly, shook her hand, even embraced her. But these people were, surprisingly often, the people she barely knew; starting producers from record labels; the wives and partners of old-school rockers.
    “On to the Lanesborough,” Christina was saying self-importantly on the other side of the door. “Drinks at the Lanesborough.”
    An elegant woman with black hair stopped in front of Britney and held out a hand. Weary of shaking hands, Britney took it.
    “The thing is,” the woman said, as though carrying on a conversation they’d already begun, “The pain won’t last forever.”
    Britney gave a little start, and the droooping eyelids of her mind snapped open.
    “What did you say?” she began. But the woman had already gone.
    Britney turned to her sister, Jamie-Lynn, who was standing beside her.
    “Who was that?” Britney said. Jamie Lynn shrugged.
    “Dunno. Christina and Rihanna were talking about her. We think she might have known Kevin at school.”
    “How did she know…” Britney began, and then stopped. She had been going to say, How did she know I was lonely? But instead, she turned and smiled at Jamie Lynn. “You read very well.”
    Jamie Lynn shrugged. “I suppose.” In the unconscious moment she repeated every three minutes or so, she reached up and covered the tiny red bithmark which stretched across her eye. She had always done this without realizing. Every three minutes of her waking life, she would reach up and self-consciously cover the birthmark with her left hand, without even knowing she did it.
    “Well,” said Britney.
    “Yeah,” said Jamie Lynn.
    “Perhaps we should be going.”
    “Yeah.”
    And that was it. Conversation over. When had she stopped talking to Jamie Lynn? Britney wondered. How had those adoring, unembarassed soliloquies addressed to her sister managed to turn, over the years, into such empty, public exchanges?
    “Right,” she said. “Well. Let’s go, then.”

  31. Garnet
    Posted May 23, 2011 at 6:45 am | Permalink | Reply

    Marry The Night is amazing.

  32. Physically Crafted
    Posted May 23, 2011 at 7:19 am | Permalink | Reply

    I love Fashion Of His Love, Bad Kids, and Americano.
    Fashion Of His Love would be a good theme tune for a feel-good Romantic comedy. And I can just hear Americano playing at the beginning credits of a movie like The Tourist.
    Bad Kids is just…awesome.

  33. Dum Dum Dum
    Posted May 23, 2011 at 7:29 am | Permalink | Reply

    Did you know that just a few hours before the album’s release, Gaga uploaded all the audio tracks to her youtube channel but put them on private?
    THAT MEAN, FAN-TORMENTING BITCH! XD

  34. CoreyReed
    Posted May 23, 2011 at 8:15 am | Permalink | Reply

    Words cannot express how amazing and Godlike this album is.
    This is gonna be bigger than Thriller.
    Americano, Government Hooker or Bloody Mary for next single, who’s with me?

    • Little Monster Regina
      Posted May 23, 2011 at 8:18 am | Permalink | Reply

      Fuck that, Mother Monster needs to just release every single song on the album

  35. Blogging Info Desk
    Posted May 23, 2011 at 9:01 am | Permalink | Reply

    List of fanbases who defeated the Christina Aguilera fanbase:
    Madonna stans whupped ’em in 1999. The Christina fans almost lost round 2 in 2002 but won by using noob insults and indiscreet Youtube spamming. The Madonna fans thought they were fighting against the stans of a dangerous and relevant Artist, so it caught them unprepared.

    The Britney fans had their colonies in Exhale attacked by the Christina fans, but even through the Clean-Shave incident with their fave, they still found the time to slay the invaders, and then conquer some nice Christina fan colonies at that.

    Michael Jackson fans invaded them during BSVSCASWII.

    Beyonce kicked their asses. The Gaga fans then invaded and conquered them for the laughs.

  36. Blogging Info Desk
    Posted May 23, 2011 at 9:58 am | Permalink | Reply

    Marry The Night – A song about how Gaga keeps having wet dreams involving The Man In The Moon.

    Born This Way – A feel-good, liberating song telling Gaga fans that they were born with razor blades implanted in the sides of their cheeks and eyes glued to their chins.

    Government Hooker – A song about Gaga being gang-raped in the Oval Office. Should have been the theme tune for Doctor Who episodes “The Impossible Astronaut” and “Day Of The Moon”, in which Matt Smith is hunted down and captured by mutant FBI agents.

    Judas – A song mainly designed to upset the Christfags on VigilantCitizen.

    Americano – The Lady sings us a song about escaping the coppers on a fast watercraft and, in normal Mexican immigrant fashion, stealing Limoncello from passing speedboats.

    Hair – Herbal Essences executives will love this song.

    Scheiße – A song about checking into a German Hotel and being stolen away during the night and taken to a concentration camp by the lunatic Nazis.

    Bloody Mary – The theme tune to a really bad Horror movie.

    Black Jesus † Amen Fashion – A black supremacist anthem.

    Bad Kids – Gaga made this song to let her fans know that she understands how insane their love towards her makes them, and that the mere sound of her voice makes them savagely cum.

    Fashion Of His Love – Disney crap.

    Highway Unicorn(Road To Love) – Every Jockey’s life story. People who don’t like Horses or My Little Pony will hate this, especially since Gaga sounds like a rabid witch when she shrieks “WUN WUN PONEH, WUN WUN” into the mic.

    Heavy Metal Lover – More proof that there’s something for everyone in this album. A song that reaches out to Hippies, Crooks, Underdogs and Drug dealers, it ruins the whole fucking point of the song by not having any Heavy Metal theme to it AT ALL. Not only that, it is boring as shit and only people who are either high or retarded will dance to it.

    Electric Chapel – Sequel to Heavy Metal Lover, only focusing on the Drug scene more.

    The Queen – MAJOR Jingle Bells ripoff.

    You And I – A horny Love song Gaga wrote for her ex-boyfriend, sweaty hairy-chested rocker Luc Carl.

    The Edge Of Glory – A song about approaching climax during Hot Sex.

  37. Blogging Info Desk
    Posted May 23, 2011 at 10:29 am | Permalink | Reply


    2:15
    What a cheap rival knockoff of Gaga’s Lizard shoes in Bad Romance. Lmfao.
    Also, is it just me or does Beyonce look like a fucking dude all through that scene?

  38. West Coast
    Posted May 23, 2011 at 10:45 am | Permalink | Reply

    Call me crazy, but I actually think that Americano is by far the best song on the album. It’s definetely one of the best songs I’ve ever heard. Very addictive and lighthearted, but exciting and it makes you think too. It has a Holiday/Runaway theme to it.
    Americano should definetely be a single. End of.

  39. Posted May 24, 2011 at 12:58 am | Permalink | Reply

    Well heres my review. I did it really fast! But I got my basic opinions across!!

    CMON MONSTERS!!! CHECK IT OUT!! AND ATTACK!!!

    http://snakesayan.blogspot.com/2011/05/lady-gaga-born-this-way-album-review.html

  40. JJ
    Posted May 28, 2011 at 10:16 am | Permalink | Reply

    The most amazing thing about her and her lack of identity is that she started to wear a lot of headbands and 80’s clothing mixed with black after she got back together with her douche boyfriend who is an 80’s music fan.

    A woman who dresses like her boyfriend is a woman who has no identity, no sense of self.

  41. Posted June 13, 2011 at 1:22 am | Permalink | Reply

    I am pleased with this poting hopefully on another occasion I can get a good post as well. thank you

  42. Posted May 23, 2013 at 3:29 am | Permalink | Reply

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  43. Posted September 21, 2014 at 5:01 am | Permalink | Reply

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